


the love potion commotion

by floating_cats



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Magic, Crack, Lee is a ray of sunshine, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Neji is a petty king, witch!Tenten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24754609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floating_cats/pseuds/floating_cats
Summary: The man chuckled. ‘There's an ancient solution for these sorts of things. Fairytale stuff!’ Tenten sighed in relief. ‘True Love’s Kiss,’ he continued. ‘Or rather, Artificial Love’s Kiss.’A growing sense of horror was spreading through Tenten’s body. ‘You mean…’ She did not want to know what Neji would do to her if he knew that she had somehow put into motion a chain of events that led to him kissing Sasuke Uchiha.Or: Tenten buys a love potion online (for research!). Everything goes wrong.
Relationships: Gaara/Rock Lee, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Hyuuga Neji & Rock Lee & Tenten, Hyuuga Neji/Uchiha Sasuke, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 43
Kudos: 105





	1. the importance of proper desk organisation

Like many of the stupid, _stupid_ situations that were far too frequent in Tenten’s life, this one started on a day that seemed nice and normal. The recent spate of warm weather had inspired a general sense of misplaced optimism in the student body of Konoha University; Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura had spontaneously booked tickets for a week-long trip to Ibiza over the summer, apparently under the delusion that they would be able to spend that much time together without killing each other; Chouji - whose had at one point claimed his purpose in life was to consume as much Korean barbecue as possible - had made a long Facebook post renouncing meat; and when Tenten and Lee pitched the idea of hosting a party to raise pre-exam morale to their housemate Neji, he actually _agreed_ to it.

The party was due to begin in about six hours, and Tenten was mentally formulating a shopping list as she walked along: _We’ll need a bottle of Pimm’s No. 1, some lemonade, garnishes, beer too… Oh, and a non-alcoholic option for Lee so we don’t lose our security deposit on the house. Ice cream would be nice, but I think Sasuke’s lactose intolerant, so -_

‘Tenten!’

She looked up. Lee was bounding towards her like a golden retriever, in a pair of _very_ short shorts.

‘Cross country?’ she asked, raising an eyebrow at the outfit.

Lee nodded proudly. ‘Yes! Today is the race against Suna!’

‘I see,’ Tenten said, grinning. ‘Got your legs out for Gaara, then.’

As she expected, Lee started spluttering incoherently before very transparently attempting to change the subject: ‘T-Tenten, are you finished for the day?’

She took mercy on him and went along with it; ‘Yep, Kakashi cancelled my seminar. _Again._ ’ 

They exchanged conspiratorial glances. Every so often, Kakashi – the PhD student who took Tenten’s seminar on Medieval weaponry – would casually drop a bizarre, tantalising detail of his mysterious private life into conversation. Speculating about what he got up to in his free time had become something of a hobby for Tenten and Lee.

‘Did he send the email at some unyouthful hour?’

‘3:23 AM,’ she confirmed, and Lee shook his head disapprovingly. ‘He was probably taking down an assassin, or fighting a monster or something, and then when we ask him why he was away, he’ll say something like – he was busy making fancy dress costumes for his dogs.’

‘Or maybe he was off meditating under a waterfall!’

Tenten frowned. ‘Like the Gym Leader in Pokémon?’

Lee looked confused. ‘No, like Gai-sensei on weekends.’

Tenten wondered where Gai-sensei – their eccentric Wing Chun instructor – had managed to find a large enough waterfall to sit under in this part of the world, but knowing him, he had probably gone out into the woods and constructed one with his bare hands.

‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘It’s sad to know that the twenty-seven grand I’m spending on this degree is going precisely _nowhere,_ but at least now I can go party shopping with Neji.’

‘Yes!’ Lee said, sounding thrilled at her display of optimism. ‘I’m sure he will be glad of your help!’

Tenten snorted. ‘Yeah, someone needs to be there to stop that boy buying caviar and oysters instead of fucking - _Doritos._ ’

‘Indeed!’ Lee said. ‘Oh, and Tenten,’ he added, as he turned to leave. ‘A parcel came for you. I left it on your bed.’

 _It’s here! And a day early,_ Tenten thought excitedly. ‘Thanks, Lee!’ she called after him. ‘Be back by eight!’

And grinning to herself, she hurried home.

When she got back, Tenten kicked her sneakers off at the door.

‘I’m back!’ she called in the direction of the kitchen, where she could see Neji sitting at the table, tapping away on his laptop.

‘Hey,’ he replied, not looking up from his screen. ‘We’ll be leaving soon, I just need to finish this email and send it…’

‘Cool,’ Tenten said casually, and immediately dashed up the stairs.

Tenten’s interest in witchcraft had been kickstarted by her grandmother, who had taught her _shǒuxiàng; w_ hen Tenten felt properly comfortable around her uni friends, she offered to read their palms. As expected, Lee happily consented, but to her surprise, so did Neji. Then again, Neji was preoccupied with the idea of fate, and was prone to ranting about _Oedipus Rex_ or Shuzo Kuki or Nietzsche at the drop of a hat, so... And Neji had been the one to buy her a strange little booklet called ‘Witchery 101’ from some sort of indie bookshop (as a joke, she suspected). But if so, the joke was on him; Tenten was getting seriously into it. Her third batch of _Sopor_ (‘Sleeping-draught’) had allowed her to drop off even in the midst of writing a particularly stressful essay. She cast a money spell, and her mum sent her a load of rare Pokémon cards that had been collecting dust in the attic, which Tenten then sold on eBay for a decent price. So she felt justified in spending _real, actual money_ on a ‘love potion’ - from the cheapest shop listed at the back of the book - which would supposedly make the drinker fall in love with the first person they saw. She had read about love potions in _Harry Potter,_ watched _Shrek 2,_ and studied _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ at school; now it was time to test the real thing (on herself, in a controlled environment, after she had researched an antidote, _of course_ ).

And there it was, lying on her bed: a small, unassuming cardboard box. She cut through the cardboard carefully with a pair of scissors, and then – 

‘Fuck!’

She felt the sharp point of the scissors pierce something, and withdrew a Ziploc bag (instead of the beautiful glass bottle of her imaginings) containing a pale pink liquid, which was now - to her dismay - seeping out through a small hole in the plastic. 

‘Tenten! Let’s go!’ Neji shouted up the stairs.

 _Not now, not now!_ ‘One minute!’ she called back, frantically looking around for an empty water bottle, or a plastic tub, or – any container, really, to put the potion in, as Neji’s footsteps sounded on the stairs. 

He put his head round the door. ‘Hinata needs the car at three,’ he said. ‘We really don’t have long if we want to go to the big Tesco.’

‘Okay, on it.’

He nodded and jogged back downstairs.

_Right._

She scanned her room. On the desk, there were three mugs, each half-full. She grabbed one at random and eyed its contents – two-day-old tea – suspiciously, before emptying them into the unfortunate mint plant on her windowsill. Then she poured the potion into the mug, grabbed her backpack, made sure to scrub all the rose-scented residue off her hands, and ran downstairs.

The shopping trip was going rather well; Neji had said nothing about Tenten’s choice of beer, he merely looked at it distastefully as she put it into the trolley; they managed to avoid the shop assistant who hated them due to a previous incident involving drunk and destructive Lee; and Neji found a party food he would actually want to eat (lotus crisps). Then, in the frozen food aisle, Tenten looked to her left and immediately regretted it. She prayed Neji was too preoccupied with frozen fruit to notice their social circle's _other_ emotionally-repressed, over-achieving pretty boy with a weirdly mafia-like family fast approaching.

No such luck.

‘Hyuuga.’

Neji whipped round. ‘Uchiha.’

Tenten rolled her eyes. _So fucking theatrical._

‘I see you’re excited for the party tonight,’ Neji said, arching an eyebrow at Sasuke. ‘Although you may have been… misinformed _vis à vis_ the dress code.’

Sasuke scowled at him. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘Well, whatever this is you’re wearing - ’ Neji waved a casual hand in the direction of Sasuke’s get-up (which was something along the lines of a vampire about to go hiking), ‘ - it isn’t fancy dress?’

Tenten resisted the urge to facepalm.

Sasuke’s dark eyes narrowed. For a moment, a look of cold fury settled over his features – Tenten thought, _this is it, he’s going to (try to) deck Neji right here in fucking Tesco_ – but then he smirked instead. 

‘Low blow, Hyuuga. Maybe if you behave yourself for the next – oh, I don’t know – year or so, Hinata’ll take pity and give you enough cash to get some new clothes of your own.’ 

He spun on his heel and stalked off. And of course he had a massive Uchiha crest emblazoned onto the back of his raincoat, like the twat he was. Tenten turned to Neji, who was staring after him furiously, fists clenched and jaw set. 

She whistled softly. ‘Now _that_ was a low blow. Don’t listen to him.’ 

She pulled on Neji’s wrist and started to drag him gently towards the ice cream. 

‘Anyway,’ she said, ‘why did you invite him in the first place?’

‘Hinata,’ Neji muttered. Tenten looked at him quizzically. He sighed. ‘Well, indirectly. Obviously she wanted to invite Naruto, and then he wanted to invite Uchiha.’

Tenten snorted. ‘I can’t keep up with those two. Lee told me that they had a full-blown argument on a night out last week, and everyone just had to awkwardly watch them screaming for twenty minutes.’

‘Sometimes Naruto does that in lectures.’

‘ _Neji,_ ’ Tenten said, turning to look him in the eye. ‘Take it easy tonight. You won’t antagonise him, okay?’

‘Why would I antagonise Naruto?’ Neji said, infuriatingly. ‘He’s dating my cousin.’

Tenten rolled her eyes. ‘You _know_ I mean Sasuke.’

‘Sometimes _he_ antagonises me,’ Neji muttered. Tenten gave him A Look. ‘Alright, alright, I’ll be civil.’

‘Thank you!’ Tenten said. ‘Civil is all I’m asking for.’

A few hours later, the party was in full swing. Britney Spears’ _Toxic_ reverberated through the house; Ino, Sakura and Sai had their arms draped over each others’ shoulders and were apparently attempting to dance the can-can; Lee and Neji were performing some dance that vaguely resembled a tango together, which meant that Lee was stone cold sober (thank God) and Neji was blindingly drunk; Hinata was lying in Naruto’s lap, staring rapturously at her boyfriend’s face as he and Shikamaru drunkenly tried to coerce Chouji to eat chicken-flavoured crisps.

‘Sorry I’m late!’ Kiba shouted at Tenten when she let him in, straining to be heard over the music. ‘Our landlord found out about me keeping Akamaru illegally, so we had a ‘little meeting’!’

‘Sounds ominous!’ she shouted back. ‘How’d it go?’

‘… Can you keep him here?’

‘I’d love to, but Lee’s allergic,’ she lied, and patted Kiba on the shoulder. ‘Go and mingle; I’ll get you a drink!’

She pushed past Sasuke, who was lurking in the corridor (in a different outfit to the vampire-hiking one, she noted amusedly), and made her way to the kitchen. As she retrieved a can of Carling from the fridge, something bumped into her shoulder. This turned out to be Neji’s forehead.

‘Tenten,’ he said, and laid his head on her shoulder. ‘I don’t feel well.’

Drunk Neji was a bit of a mindfuck, since he was diametrically opposed to sober Neji, at least in terms of personal space. It was a genuinely weird thing to experience. 

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Headache,’ he said. ‘And I feel a bit sick. Maybe it’s my time. It had been decided by the Powers that Be that I will die this night, in this kitchen - ’

‘Don’t be so dramatic,’ Tenten said, shrugging him off affectionately. ‘Go and have some Ibuprofen, there’s some in my bedside drawer. Do you want me to get Lee to go with you?’

‘No, no, no. I’ll be fine,’ he said, and stumbled off.

Tenten gazed after him, a little concerned. She found Kiba and gave him his beer, then headed up to her bedroom.

From the stairs, she could see right into her room. And that was when the unfortunate realisations started to hit. In her bedroom, was Neji, drinking from a mug. A mug that might well have contained a potent love potion that would make him fall for the first person he saw. She tried to remember which mug she had emptied the potion into, and came up blank.

_Fuck._

Neji still had his back to her; she had to act quickly. Stealth wasn’t her forte – Gai-sensei’s teaching did not exactly… emphasise that quality – but she was fast, and the alcohol had dulled Neji’s reflexes to the point that she managed to slip up behind him and, with a quick blow to the side of the neck, have him on the floor, out cold. Glancing over the mugs, she realised it didn’t matter which one the potion had been in; they were all empty. So Neji had ingested the love potion, after all.

She was kneeling on the floor next to him when she heard the heavy pounding of feet on the stairs. Her mind whirred – _what shall I do? Hide him under the bed? Lie down next to him and pretend we’re napping?_ \- but before she could do anything, the door flew open.

‘Ah, Tenten!’ said a familiar voice cheerfully. ‘I thought you had - ’ Lee broke off with a gasp. ‘Neji! What - ’

‘Sssh!’ Tenten hissed. ‘Come in, shut the door.’

Lee did as he was told.

‘Did he pass out?’ Lee asked anxiously, crouching next to Tenten. She nodded. ‘He has never done that before.’

‘No, I knocked him out!’ Tenten said, then on seeing Lee’s face, added: ‘He ingested a love potion that’ll make him fall in love with the first person he sees.’

Lee’s impressive brows furrowed. ‘... A love potion? Why was that here?’

Tenten sighed. ‘It’s mine, I was going to do some tests - ’

‘Tests?’ Lee asked incredulously. ‘On whom?’

‘On myself!’ Tenten said. ‘I’m not a monster.’

Lee perked up. ‘So you’ve got an antidote?’

Tenten looked sheepish. ‘Ah… I wasn’t going to try it for a while. I thought I’d have more time to find one.’

‘Ah…’ Lee said, nodding, brow furrowed. Then his expression cleared. ‘So, in the meanwhile, you’ve stopped him from seeing anyone at all! Your innovation never ceases to astound me!’

Tenten smiled at him; while Lee’s enthusiasm could be overwhelming at times, it was lovely to have a personal hype man as a best friend, especially when your other best friend was Neji ‘Displaying Emotions is Beneath Me’ Hyuuga. ‘Thanks, Lee. But I can’t keep knocking him out every time he wakes up… I’ll call the shop in the morning, but until then…’

Lee considered. ‘Hmm. Maybe we could give him a pair of sunglasses and paint over the lenses? And then… tape them to his face?’

Tenten briefly considered it because the mental image of Neji like that was quite funny, but then… ‘Lee! You’re a genius!’

‘… Am I?’

Tenten ignored him. ‘Help me get him on the bed.’ 

Lee hooked his arms under Neji’s and Tenten took his feet. Together, they managed to shift him onto Tenten’s bed (made easier by the fact that her bed was essentially a mattress on the floor). Tenten retrieved a scarf from one of the drawers and wrapped it around Neji’s eyes as a makeshift blindfold.

‘There!’ she said, satisfied. ‘Now, how can we tie him down if I don’t have a bedframe…’

Lee was in the middle of using another scarf to try when the door crashed open.

Like deer in headlights, Tenten and Lee looked up to see Ino and Sai, caught in an embrace, staring back at them.

Sai was first to break the silence. ‘Interesting...’

‘What, that Hyuuga’s a sub?’ Ino said, and to Tenten’s horror, Sai nodded. ‘Nah,’ she continued blithely. ‘People who are that uptight are probably desperate to hand over control to someone else for once. Sorry for interrupting!’ And with a wink, she grabbed Sai by the collar and slammed the door.

‘It’s probably a good thing he’s unconscious,’ Tenten said weakly, imagining Neji’s reaction to that. 

‘Indeed,’ Lee said, then paused. ‘What’s a sub?’ 

‘Well, it’s about surrendering control and… Actually, just ask Gai-sensei.’

‘Another brilliant idea!’ Lee said, nodding. ‘He does know everything, after all.’

Tenten sighed. ‘This isn’t really working,’ she said, gesturing to the failed attempts at attaching Neji to the bed. ‘Maybe we should move him to your room. Or his, he might be more comfortable there.’

Lee agreed, and they prepared to move Neji again, when Tenten’s phone rang. She dived for it, leaving Lee holding Neji by the arms. He laid him back on the bed.

‘Hello?’

‘Oh hi, Tenten!’ came Naruto’s too-loud voice, slurring slightly.

Tenten frowned. Wasn’t Naruto _at_ the party? ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, dreading the answer.

‘Yeah, we’ve got a little problem down here. We were playing truth or dare, and I dared Kiba to eat a candle, and he did, and now he’s throwing up in a pot plant…’

_Oh God._

‘Which candle?’ Tenten asked, starting to panic. _Are candles toxic? What are they made of – wax? What’s wax made of? I have no idea! Are scented candles more dangerous that regular ones?_

‘The.’

‘What?’

‘The.’

‘Naruto - !’

‘I’m reading it! T – H – E!’

 _Thé._ The French tea-scented one. The fancy one Neji had brought her back from Paris. She had asked because she was worried she had inadvertently poisoned Kiba, but now – ‘Oh my God,’ she said weakly. ‘It’s the Diptyque.’

‘Nah, I’m pretty sure it says The - ’

Tenten noticed too late that the door was opening. And when she did, in horrible slow motion, everything happened at once.

The door opened…

Neji stirred…

Lee tried to get Tenten’s attention…

Neji sat up…

The door opened more…

Tenten dropped her phone…

Neji pulled the makeshift blindfold off…

Tenten and Lee lunged for him…

… and Sasuke Uchiha walked in.

Neji’s eyes widened a fraction, before Tenten whacked him in the side of the neck and he collapsed back onto the bed. 

Sasuke stared at Tenten in disbelief.

Her mind ran through a variety of potential courses of action, and she was pondering the merits of telling Sasuke something along the lines of _whoops! I tripped and fell, am always having accidents with the touch of death!_

Then, unexpectedly, Lee cut in.

‘Neji’s a sub! Please leave us to it!’

That did the trick.

Sakura – resident medical student – said that Kiba ought to be fine, and for good measure, bullied Naruto into promising to take Kiba to the doctor in the morning. Once they were sure one of their friends wasn't going to die at their party, Tenten and Lee carried Neji to his own bed and left him to sleep.

The next morning, Tenten called the Witchery helpline.

A male voice answered. ‘Hello, Witchery 101. How can I help?’

‘Hi,’ Tenten said, trying to stay calm. ‘One of my friends has accidentally drunk a love potion.’

‘Okay, what’s the name of the potion?’

‘Oh, um, I’m not sure. I bought it from _Magic of the Dawn?_ It was pale pink? And smelt like roses?’

‘Sounds like a basic _Amatorium,_ ’ the man on the other end of the line said. _Basic._ That was good, right?

‘Is there a cure?’ Tenten asked slightly desperately.

He chuckled. ‘Yes, don’t worry. There's an ancient solution for these sorts of things. Fairytale stuff!’ 

Tenten sighed in relief. 

‘True Love’s Kiss,’ he continued. ‘Or rather, _Artificial_ Love’s Kiss.’

A growing sense of horror was spreading through Tenten’s body. ‘You mean…’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Even in the stories, there was hardly true love between the princes and princesses, not when they kissed; they often barely knew each other. So in this case, because the effects of the potion are tied to a specific person, this person is also required to end it.’

_Fuck._

‘… Is there any other way?’ Tenten asked faintly, not wanting to know what Neji would do to her if he knew that she had somehow put into motion a chain of events that led to him kissing Sasuke Uchiha. Maybe he’d roast her in public, or maybe he’d be merciful and just use his family connections to make her ‘disappear’.

He chuckled again. Tenten glared down the phone. _You think this is funny?!_ ‘Do you happen to have the girdle of the goddess of love?’

‘No,’ Tenten said, ‘I don’t. Thanks.’

‘How did it go?’ Lee asked her with a hopeful smile.

Tenten looked at him with an expression of intense regret. ‘We need to get Neji to kiss Sasuke Uchiha.’


	2. do not disturb, plotting in progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenten and Lee formulate their battle plan.

Phase 1: Plant the seeds

‘We have one thing going for us,’ Tenten said grimly. ‘Because of the potion, Neji actually _wants_ to kiss Sasuke, even if he doesn’t understand _why_ he does…’ _Come to think of it, Amatorium is kind of a shitty potion given its purpose… I imagine anyone desperate enough to use a love potion wouldn't want one whose antidote is a_ kiss _of all things; no wonder it’s ‘basic’._ ‘We can use that.’

Lee nodded, eyes shining with determination. ‘Excellent! So he will be easier to convince, and thus break the spell…’ He frowned. ‘But we cannot rush and simply _inform_ him that what he is feeling is the bloom of tender passion for Sasuke. I do not think he would take that well.’

‘Me neither,’ Tenten agreed with a shudder, imagining what Neji would do in that situation (it would probably involve running Sasuke down with Hinata’s car). She considered. ‘We’ll have to be more… low-key. _Subtly_ remind him of Sasuke. Make him think it’s _fate…_ ’

Phase 2: Involve those with no shame

_Tenten’s mission_

‘Alright, Ino?’ Tenten said, sliding into the seat across from her. She had used Snap Maps to find Ino's location (a small café) and stage a 'coincidental' meeting.

Ino looked up from her laptop. When she saw who it was, her eyes widened and her lips curled into a smirk. ‘Well, well, well,’ she said, delicately pushing the laptop lid down until it was closed. ‘Tenten. Just the woman I wanted to see. So, want to share with the class?’

Tenten feigned ignorance. ‘Don’t know what you’re talking about. How are you?’

Naturally, Ino deflected the ‘diversion’. ‘I’m great. And I think you do know what I’m talking about. Or do I have to remind you that I walked in on you, Neji and Bushy Brows - ’

Tenten winced internally. She was itching to correct Ino’s assumption that she, Lee and Neji were embroiled in some sort of kinky sexual relationship, but unfortunately this phase of the plan kind of… _depended_ on that assumption. So she just smiled weakly. ‘Uh – no, no. You don’t.’ She took a sip of her coffee. ‘I remember.’

Ino laughed. ‘Don’t look so scared! I haven’t told anyone, and I’m not going to, I’m just – curious. I thought you were, like, ‘one of the boys’, and you three were just super close friends.’

Tenten nodded. ‘We are – I mean, we’re still really close friends! But - ’

‘So it’s not serious?’

‘Um… No, it’s – uh - just a bit of fun.’

‘When did it start?’

Tenten thought wildly. ‘February,’ she said at random.

‘How did it start?’

 _I should’ve anticipated this,_ she thought, internally groaning. Ino was like a vulture. ‘Well, uh – I think one day… Neji and I were… We were sitting in the kitchen, talking, about how much we both love Lee and he overheard, and then…’ Tenten trailed off, not sure where she was going with that, but luckily Ino seemed to fill in the blanks for herself.

‘Wow,’ she said. ‘And just like that - ’

‘Yep,’ Tenten said quickly, making a mental note to text this all to Lee, in case Ino ambushed him with an interrogation. She decided to bite the bullet and press forward with the plan to avoid any more awkward questions, regardless of how painful it would be. ‘Yeah, and we’re really happy, works so well, everyone has fun. But, Lee and I have been talking, recently, about how we - ’ _I hate myself. How the fuck has my life come to this?_

‘How you…?’ Ino prompted.

Tenten mustered her resolve. ‘How we – we would want to involve Sasuke too,’ she said, a part of her (probably her dignity) wilting away. Ino’s jaw dropped. ‘Yeah.’

‘Wow.’ Then Ino looked thoughtful. ‘But I thought Neji hates Sasuke.’

 _Neji, forgive me for what I am about to say, it’s for your own good._ ‘He thinks he does,’ Tenten said earnestly. ‘But Lee and I have a theory. All that tension? It’s _sexual tension._ ’

Ino gasped, and batted Tenten on the arm. ‘Ooh! You think so? God, Neji _and_ Sasuke, you lucky bitch…’

‘And Lee!’ Tenten added heatedly, not wanting him to be overlooked (he was very handsome in his own way, and so sweet and hard working!), and then wanted to sink into the ground when she realised how it sounded. Stop it _!_ she reminded herself sternly, _it's for a good cause that I'm making_ _Ino think I'm wildly attracted to my closest friends._

Ino smirked again. ‘And Lee.’

‘So if you see Neji,’ Tenten continued. ‘Just – give him a push in the right direction. Be gentle, just remind him of Sasuke’s – err – better qualities, you know?’

‘Tenten!’ Ino declared dramatically, clasping Tenten’s hands in hers. ‘It would be my _pleasure._ ’

_Lee’s mission_

**Lee** created the group _Follies of Youth!_

 **Lee** added **Naruto** and **Kiba** to the group

**Lee**  
I hope you both enjoyed yourself yesterday, and that you are doing well!

Also, how was Kiba’s doctor’s appointment this morning?

**Naruto**  
haha thx, yh i did! XD 

Replying to **Lee** : Also, how was Kiba’s doctor’s appointment this morning?

to early lol

but he’s a-ok :D

**Lee**  
I am glad to hear that!

**Kiba**

Replying to **Naruto** : but he’s a-ok :D

Speak for urself, I’ve been tasting candle all ducking day

*fucking

**Naruto**  
i’m really sorry about 1010’s candle

i looked up diptyque and it’s bougie AF

**Kiba**  
It was a present from Neji, he got one for Hinata too

**Naruto**  
ofc it was

**Lee**  
Replying to **Naruto** : i’m really sorry about 1010’s candle

Don’t worry about that! Tenten understands that the passions of youth can be overwhelming sometimes. 

And speaking of the passions of youth, would you two be able to help Tenten and I with something?

**Naruto**  
sure!!!

**Kiba**  
What do u need?

**Lee**  
When you next talk to Neji, can you mention Sasuke as many times as possible?

50p per mention!

**Kiba**  
Looooooooooool 

… why tho?

But sure

**Naruto**  
i can absolutely do that! XD neji won’t know what hit him hehe

**Kiba**  
Naruto would do it for free tbh

He loves talking about Sasuke

He’d probably pay u Lee

**Naruto**  
can u not

but yh imma bout 2 make hella moneyyyy so

suck it kiba!

**Kiba**  
Ohhh ur ON

**Lee**  
Replying to **Kiba** : … why tho?

It is just a funny prank!

Replying to **Naruto** : but yh imma bout 2 make hella moneyyyy so

That’s the spirit!

Phase 3: Emergency measures (just in case…)

‘And if we want to up the ante,’ Tenten said, ‘we need to make sure Neji and Sasuke come into contact.’

‘Cupboards,’ Lee said instantly. ‘I spoke to Gai-sensei about this, and he said that locking two people in a cupboard together is a surefire way to make them fall in love! It’s how he met his husband!’

‘Oh yeah, the mysterious husband…’ Tenten said. ‘Well, I guess it’s worth a shot. Worst case scenario, they end up killing each other.’


	3. there's something about SASUKE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neji starts to wonder if the world is conspiring against him

The evening after the ‘morale-raising’ party, Neji woke up with the worst hangover of his life. 

He blinked tentatively and recoiled from what seemed to be a laser pointer being shone directly into his eyes. His head was pounding. He looked around through half-closed eyes; he was in his room and he had no recollection of making it back there. _Oh God,_ he thought, _how much did I drink last night?_ Last thing he remembered was roping Lee into trying to recreate the tango scene from _Scent of a Woman;_ from then on, his memory of the previous night was a collection of blurry, dream-like fragments. His throat was so dry it hurt. An insistent thought made itself known: _Tea. Need tea._ So with great difficulty, Neji got out of bed, wrapped himself in his dressing gown and slunk down the stairs towards the kitchen.

Lee’s bright, disgustingly healthy voice greeted him. ‘Good evening, Neji!’

‘Evening - ’ Neji broke off as he actually took in the scene in front of him, and almost did a double take. The thought that he’d woken up in some kind of alternate universe flitted across his mind.

Tenten was frying something at the stove, probably eggs if the massive pile of discarded eggshells on the counter was any indication. Instead of her signature double buns, her hair looked wet, bundled back in a complex yet very unflattering manner to make it spike up. For some inexplicable reason, she was wearing a black puffer jacket and tiny sunglasses while _inside_ the house, along with the black dress she usually wore for job interviews and interviews only.

But that was nothing compared to Lee. 

In two years of friendship, Neji had rarely seen Lee wear anything other than sportswear, always in shades of green, grey or orange. But now, Lee was clad in a singular manner that Neji would describe as ‘Dracula meets hedgehog’. 

Then something familiar hit Neji about his housemates’ sudden style overhaul: the spiky hair, the all-black outfits, the general air of _I am an emo with too much money and I chose my outfit by throwing darts at my wardrobe, please, someone, just run me over…_

He glared at them. ‘Why are you both dressed like Uchiha?’ 

A pause.

‘… who?’

Tenten not so subtly elbowed Lee in the side. 

‘Don’t know what you mean,’ she said with dignity, turning back to her cooking. ‘We’re just having dinner. Want some, Neji?’

He eyed them both suspiciously. ‘No, I just came down to make tea.’

‘Oh, really?’ Tenten asked. ‘Are you sure you don’t want any? It’ll help with the hangover.’

‘And you know skipping meals is never the answer!’ Lee added, beaming, his unnaturally white teeth reflecting the fluorescent kitchen lights in a way that slightly magnified Neji’s headache. 

He winced as he poured himself a mug of hot water from the kettle. ‘No thanks, I’m not hungry; I feel quite sick.’ He looked up. ‘Also, how was last night for you two?’

They both mumbled a stream of incoherent words.

‘Right…’ he said, glancing from Tenten to Lee. ‘Okay. Well, I’m going back to bed.’

‘Sure,’ Tenten said. ‘Call us if you need anything, okay?’

He smiled gratefully. 

As he climbed the stairs, he heard Tenten’s despondent voice from the kitchen:

‘Well, this was a waste of time. And eggs.’

‘No Tenten, it looks just like him! I never thought an egg could resemble a person so closely, but you’ve proven me wrong!’

‘Ah, thanks Lee.’

Neji wondered if their master plan to make him feel better somehow involved giving him a fried egg shaped like _himself…_ Knowing his housemates, that wasn’t necessarily out of the realm of possibility.

 _It’s been quite an odd couple of days,_ he thought, settling back into bed. 

Little did he know it would be nothing compared to the week ahead.

_Monday_

It was something of a surprise to see Naruto in their 9AM ‘Applied Ethics’ lecture, considering he hadn’t turned up all year, and Neji said as much when Naruto dumped all his stuff into the seat next to Neji’s.

Naruto shrugged. ‘Yeah, waking up before twelve isn’t really my thing.’

Neji smirked. _Classic Naruto._ ‘But today…?’

Naruto paused for a second, his brow furrowing slightly. Then he brightened, and declared, ‘Oh yeah! Sasuke woke me up at, like, seven, that _bastard._ ’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah, _Sasuke_ was doing this thing he does… Smashing plates in the little garden-thing outside my window.’

Neji’s eyebrows lifted. He hadn’t heard of this particular quirk of Uchiha’s before, but it was easy to imagine. That whole family was stuffed with pent up rage. At least Sasuke’s outlet was _breaking_ crockery and not _throwing it at the household staff_ like his great-uncle Madara.

Doctor Yuuhi started speaking, so Neji began to take notes on his laptop and didn’t probe further. Not that he needed to, because Naruto spent the _whole hour_ drip-feeding him a stream of seemingly random anecdotes about Uchiha, while Neji tried to tune him out and concentrate on the lecture. 

To no avail.

‘ – saw Kabuto in town, and _Sasuke_ made us hide in Sainsbury’s for forty minutes and I - ’

‘ - it was cloudy, we were out for, like, an hour, and _Sasuke_ still burnt! Afterwards he made - ’

‘ – the only one of us the cat likes is _Sasuke,_ even though he’s allergic and tells it to fuck off every time he sees it - ’

‘ – and _Sasuke_ just hands me his credit card, and, like, I’m not complaining, but - ’

‘ - and Shikamaru said _Sasuke_ kept sending him Google alerts and when he didn’t answer them, he - ’

‘ - and when _Sasuke_ heard Itachi was coming, he wrote his name on a post-it note and stuck it to a plate, and - ’

That caught Neji’s attention; if Sasuke knew that Neji’s biggest insecurity was his financial dependence on his wealthy uncle (Hinata’s father), Neji knew that Sasuke’s was that he would never measure up – in the eyes of his father or the world – to Itachi, his perfect older brother. ‘Itachi?’ he said lowly, not keen on being caught talking over a lecturer. ‘He’s coming _here?_ ’

‘Yeah, on Friday,’ Naruto said casually. ‘He’s doing a series of guest lectures next week. And _Sasuke_ said...’

That torturous Sasuke-themed hour was still _very_ fresh in Neji’s mind fourteen hours later when he received a message from Naruto, making him hesitant to open the damn thing in case it was an essay about _Sasuke’s favourite breakfast foods!_ or something. But he did anyway, and thankfully, it had nothing to do with Uchiha:

 **Naruto**  
Hey Neji, it’s Hinata! I’m using Naruto’s phone because mine’s out of battery, and I think I left my charger at yours. (*/_＼) 

I’m sorry to ask, but would you be able to bring it over to his place tomorrow morning? I have a phone interview at 11 and I’m staying there tonight

He replied quickly:

**Neji**  
Yes, of course. Where did you leave it?

**Naruto**  
I think it’s in the living room, in the socket behind the sofa? 

He checked.

**Neji**  
Yes, it’s there. I’ll see you tomorrow at around ten

**Naruto**  
Thanks so much!! (((o(*°▽°*)o)))

_Tuesday_

When Neji came downstairs on Tuesday morning, he was slightly afraid that he would be confronted with the sight of his two housemates dressed _à la Uchiha_ again. Thankfully, they had toned it down a bit; while Tenten was wearing a hideous cropped hoodie and a generous amount of eyeliner, her hair was back to normal; and Lee was dressed exactly as he usually was, albeit with the unfortunate addition of Tenten’s tiny sunglasses. There was no mention of Uchiha either; the conversation while they ate breakfast was focused on Lee’s love life. Well, Lee and Tenten ate breakfast; Lee had crammed the blender with protein powder, spinach, frozen fruit, peanut butter and a million other ingredients to make a thick green concoction that he was now slurping out of a pint glass and Tenten was eating leftover fried rice from last night’s dinner. Neji – not a fan of eating so early - was sipping a cup of green tea.

‘But why was he in Konoha?’ Tenten was asking dramatically, leaning across the table. ‘To see _you!_ ’ 

She punctuated the last word by, in her excitement, slapping Lee on the arm. He started choking on his drink, and didn’t stop until Neji thumped him on the back.

‘Tenten!’ Lee said, agitated, once he had recovered. ‘He said he’s visiting Naruto. They’re friends, it is not unbelievable!’

Tenten rounded on Neji with shining eyes. ‘You spoke to Naruto yesterday, right?’

Neji sighed. ‘Don’t remind me.’

Tenten ignored this. ‘Did he say anything about Gaara?’

‘ _No,_ ’ Neji said, and took a sip of his tea. ‘I told you: he talked my ear off about Uchiha _and Uchiha only_ for the _entire lecture._ I had to fake a phone call to get away from him.’

‘Oh no,’ Tenten said, in a way that made Neji think she found the whole thing incredibly amusing.

Neji was about to respond, when Lee blurted out:

‘Tenten, will you do me a reading? About Gaara, and - me?’

‘A tarot reading?’ When Lee answered in the affirmative, she looked thrilled. ‘I thought you’d never ask! Are you both free this evening, after Wing Chun?’

‘I am!’

Neji nodded.

‘Great! We can make it really fancy, with, like, _candles_ and _wine -_ ’

There was a knock on the door.

‘I’ll get it!’ Lee said, and dashed off. He returned a few moments later with Kiba in tow.

Kiba grinned at them. ‘Hey guys! I think Hinata left her phone charger here? I’ve come to get it.’

Neji arched an eyebrow. ‘Oh? I did tell her I’d bring it over this morning; I was going to leave after breakfast.’

‘Nah, don’t worry it,’ Kiba replied breezily. ‘I was just – _uh -_ passing by and thought I’d save you the trouble.’

Neji highly doubted that was true; their house was well out of Kiba’s way. But it gave him more time to get ready, so… ‘I appreciate it,’ Neji said, rising to retrieve the charger from behind the sofa. ‘Thanks.’

Kiba pulled out a chair and sat down. ‘No problem! So, uh, you seen Sasuke recently, Neji?’

Neji’s eyebrow twitched. ‘Not since Friday evening.’

Kiba guffawed. ‘Yeah! Aw, mate, that was so funny! So Sasuke went upstairs after I started eating the fucking candle – sorry Tenten – and then came back, like, two seconds later. He looked bare worried and grabbed Naruto by the shoulders - ’

Tenten promptly choked on her drink. ‘Err, just out of interest,' she said between coughs, waving off Lee who was hovering nervously at her side, probably seconds away from attempting the Heimlich Maneuver, 'Sasuke didn't... _say_ what had happened?’

‘Didn't get the chance,' Kiba said proudly, '‘cause I threw up on his shoes, and then he was like ‘Do you know who I am?!’ He was absolutely _wankered_ though…’

Neji handed the charger to Kiba. ‘Right,’ he said, attempting to steer the conversation away from Sasuke (as much as he liked hearing about him embarrassing himself and his horrible clothes being ruined). ‘How’s the situation with Akamaru? Tenten told us about the trouble you’re having with your landlord.’

‘Oh, yeah, that all worked out great!’

‘I’m glad to hear that. Where’s he staying?’

‘Well, I – uh, Sasuke, actually! – yeah, he put me in touch with this guy who has, like, ten dogs! Yeah, and Sasuke was like - ’

He was interrupted by another knock at the door. Lee answered it again, and Naruto burst in.

‘Neji! I’m here for the - ’ He gasped when he saw Kiba. ‘ _You!_ What are you doing here?’

‘Just getting _this!_ ’ Kiba crowed, jumping up and waving Hinata’s phone charger triumphantly. 

Naruto grabbed at it. ‘Give it here!’ he growled when Kiba yanked it out of his reach. ‘It’s Hinata’s, and she’s _my_ girlfriend!’

‘Well, I got here first - ’

‘ _Well,_ if you have to resort to this shit then - ’

‘Are you fighting over Hinata?’ Neji interrupted, tone frosty. 

Naruto paled. ‘No!’

‘Because,’ Neji continued, ‘I’m sure she can make up her own mind. She’s not an _object_ to be passed between you.’

‘O-Of course not!’ Naruto said, letting go of the lead. 

‘Neji, I am sure neither of our friends would disrespect your cousin like that!’ Lee interjected quickly, laying a hand on Neji’s shoulder. ‘A little bit of competition in retrieving lost items is a healthy expression of passionate youth!’

Naruto flung an arm around Kiba and flashed a nervous grin at Neji. ‘Exactly! No hard feelings here!’

Neji raised his eyebrows. ‘Right…’

‘Well, we’ll be off!’ Naruto said hastily, dragging Kiba out of the kitchen and down the hall. ‘Bye, Neji! Lee! Tenten! Say hello to Gai for me!’

'We will!' Lee called back cheerfully. 'Bye!'

‘Neji, I think Sasuke has the same mug as you!’ Kiba yelled as Naruto pulled him through the front door and slammed it shut.

_Wednesday_

‘Have either of you got my hair oil?’ Neji demanded, throwing open the door to Tenten’s bedroom after his single knock was met with no resistance. ‘It’s not in the bathroom.’

Lee – mid-press up on the floor - regarded him from below. ‘Not me,’ he said. ‘Neji, you _know_ the only products I put on my hair are hand-made by Gai-sensei!’

Tenten shrugged apologetically. ‘Me neither. Sorry, Neji. You must’ve moved it and forgotten.’

Neji’s brow furrowed. He was _sure_ he’d left it on his shelf of the bathroom trolley, but… ‘I suppose I must,’ he said. ‘ _Dammit._ ’

‘Oh, err, Neji!’ Tenten said casually, ‘if you’re going to buy more hair oil today, could you pick up a bottle of shampoo as well? I don’t have time to do it myself and I want to wash my hair tonight...’

  
  
And so that afternoon, he walked through the doors of Konoha’s beauty store - 

‘Neji!’

He turned to see Ino Yamanaka standing behind the counter, looking very excited to see him. That was a _smidgen_ disquieting since they weren’t particularly close (although he did admire her greatly for her beautiful hair, which was right up there with his and Hinata’s despite Ino continuously bleaching it _platinum_ ). He acknowledged her with a nod before making a beeline to the hair care section. As he browsed, the hair on the back of his neck prickled; he thought he felt the weight of being watched. But every time he glanced back at Ino - the only other person in the shop - expecting to see her staring at him, she seemed utterly absorbed in swiping through her phone. _Odd._ He hurriedly selected a bottle of his usual hair oil and grabbed the shampoo Tenten had asked for and went to pay. As he approached the till, Ino looked up with a glint in her eye. _Oh no._

‘Great choice!’ she said as she scanned the oil. ‘This really saved my hair the last time I bleached it. And - ’ She lowered her voice conspiratorially, despite the lack of potential eavesdroppers. ‘ – I’ve heard Sasuke uses it. Sasuke, Sasuke Uchiha? Yeah? And he has gorgeous hair, doesn’t he? So dark, and shiny…’

Neji stared at her incredulously. What could he possibly have done to trigger this? _Does she do this to every poor customer that’s vaguely acquainted with Uchiha?_

‘And it smells divine,’ Ino continued, apparently oblivious to Neji’s dawning horror. She inhaled deeply. ‘ _God,_ he’s ridiculously hot. And I’ve heard he’s pretty dominant in the _bedroom._ I’m sure he’d be happy to blindfold you. And more, if you want it.’ She winked and handed him his items. ‘Consider it, yeah?’

Responding was beyond Neji at that point. He robotically took his items and walked out without a word, wondering if it would be unfair to try to persuade his uncle to pull the strings to get Ino fired from her job for psychologically scarring him. No, because his uncle would ask ‘how?’ and he’d have to repeat what she said, and the prospect of that was… _unpleasant._

Hiding in a far-flung corner of the library, pretending to read, Neji was reflecting: why had everyone suddenly acquired a baffling obsession with Uchiha?! Naruto, fine: his fixation on Sasuke was common knowledge, to the extent that when Hinata had begun dating Naruto, Neji had kept a suspicious eye on him to make sure he wasn’t using her as a beard, or to try and make Sasuke jealous or something. (After a few months, he had concluded that Naruto did genuinely care for Hinata; his friendship was Sasuke was just very… intense.) And again, Ino, fine: she had had an obvious crush on Uchiha in their first year, and considering what she had said to Neji in the shop, she probably still did, but _Kiba?_ Neji had thought he was of the (correct) opinion that Sasuke was an idiot. And Tenten and Lee… They both knew how Neji felt about him, and they wouldn’t go out of their way to remind him of someone he - 

‘Hyuuga.’

Neji almost jumped. ‘Uchiha,’ he began, turning in his seat to respond in a suitably biting way. ‘I hear Itachi’s arriving this - ’

But as he met Sasuke’s gaze, Neji’s usual carefully cultivated repertoire of Things That Trigger Uchiha – brother complex, daddy issues, terrible sense of style, weird love-hate relationship with Naruto, underdeveloped palate (among many other things) – was drowned out by the memory of Ino’s voice saying GOD HE’S RIDICULOUSLY HOT AND I’VE HEARD HE’S PRETTY DOMINANT IN THE BEDROOM I’M SURE HE’D BE HAPPY TO BLINDFOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED - 

Sasuke glared. ‘Yeah, this Friday. What about him?’

HE’S PRETTY DOMINANT IN THE BEDROOM I’M SURE HE’D BE HAPPY TO BLINDFOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED – _Shut up Yamanaka, shut up – !_

Neji forced a casual shrug. ‘I just wanted to confirm. I’m looking forward to catching up with him.’ _Did that sound suggestive?_ he thought, uncharacteristically panicked. _Might Sasuke think - no, of course not, I’m being ridiculous._

He expected the usual derisive response, but instead, Sasuke smirked viciously, dark eyes gleaming: ‘Well, I just hope you’re not too _tied up_ to find the time to see him.’

Then he skulked off, leaving Neji to stare after him, bewildered, irritated and paranoid. _What kind of response was that…?_

He snapped out of his thoughts at the tell-tale thump of someone collapsing into the chair next to him. 

‘Hey, Neji!’ Naruto said brightly (and was immediately met by a chorus of shushes from the surrounding tables). ‘Guess who I just saw on his way out – Sasuke! Yeah, and he said to me - ’


	4. STOP - cupboard time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenten and Lee resort to the final phase of their plan in an effort to break the spell. Naturally, it doesn't go to plan...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was MEANT to be the last chapter but the last few scenes of the whole story are kind of running away from me, so I thought it would be better to divide it into two.

_Tuesday_

Lee was Excited. His and Tenten’s carefully laid schemes were coming to fruition; at the mere _mention_ of Sasuke’s name, Neji’s left eyebrow had twitched involuntarily (Neji’s tell-tale sign of hidden feeling!) before he made a valiant attempt to change the subject.

As soon as Neji was out of earshot, Tenten whipped around, eyes burning. ‘Did you see _that?!_ ’ she whispered, jabbing a finger at her eyebrow.

Lee nodded enthusiastically. ‘Of course! How could I have missed it?’

She looked thoughtful. ‘He just needs a little _push.._.’ She turned to Lee, her expression serious. ‘Lee, I think it’s Cupboard Time.’

_Cupboard Time!! The hour has come to put Gai-sensei’s wisdom into practice!!!_

‘YES!’ he shouted, springing up and striking a Dynamic Pose. ‘I will spend the next few days doing Cupboard Reconnaissance, and if I do not find the perfect cupboard in which Neji will be cured, I will do five hundred -’

_Thursday_

‘…. Now, did everyone get a chance to look at the reading for today, the article? I believe it was _Daddy’s Little Girls -_ ’

Tenten was in her least favourite seminar.

‘Try _Psychoanalysis in Popular Culture!_ ’ Ino – who was herself a psychology student, terrifyingly enough – had urged at the beginning of the year when they were selecting modules, ‘the lecturer is FIT, and the content will be interesting too!’ And _yes,_ it had sounded quite interesting at the time; unfortunately, in practice, it turned out to be a bit _too_ interesting and now Tenten found herself having to discuss a plethora of excruciating topics – Castration anxiety! Masturbation! Freud’s ridiculous ideas about women! Penis envy! – with her peers every week. It was _mortifying._

She was subtly checking the time on her phone under the table (ten minutes to go!) when the screen suddenly lit up with an incoming call from Lee. She frowned. He was meant to be checking out cupboards; surely that was harmless enough? And even if he was questioned, they had come up with a failsafe deflection strategy: 1) think of Gai-sensei, 2) immediately start crying tears of joy, 3) disguise them as tears of sadness and 4) say you just wanted a place to be alone.

She rejected the call and sent him a quick text: _Can’t talk now, I’m in a seminar!_

His reply was instant: _EMERGENCY! Cupboard Reconnaissance is not going to plan!!_

She pocketed her phone and cleared her throat.

Genma – said fit lecturer - paused. ‘Tenten, is something the matter?’

‘Err, no, I just…’ She decided to go for the classic. ‘- wanted to ask if I could go to the bathroom.’

Then she headed outside and called Lee back.

‘Lee, what is it?’

‘The reconnaissance mission failed! I’m locked in.’

‘ _What?_ ’

‘I didn’t know that this cupboard locks automatically when you close the door!’ He lowered his voice. ‘And there are – people here! Sasuke and - ’ He gulped. ‘ – a woman!’

_Sasuke and a woman? Meeting in small, hidden spaces?_ ‘Oh fuck,’ Tenten said. ‘ _Who?_ Is Sasuke with someone? Have we turned Neji into a homewrecker?’

‘I don’t recognise her, but I do not believe they are romantically involved,’ Lee replied. ‘Considering that Sasuke has tried to escape – unsuccessfully - through a window several times.’

‘Right,’ Tenten said, relieved. ‘Where are you?’

Thankfully when Tenten offered the caretaker her phone as a guaranty for the cupboard’s key, he accepted the exchange without a fuss; however, the required key was one of about twenty-five on a massive ring, and she had no idea which (she suspected the caretaker didn’t either).

She sighed. Naturally, if Lee was going to get himself locked in a cupboard, it would be a cupboard in the _busiest building in the university,_ just in time for everyone to leave their lectures and watch Tenten awkwardly grapple with about fifty million keys.

‘Lee, you in here?’ she asked with a soft knock on the cupboard door, aware of the curious stares she was receiving from passers-by. She had a sudden, optimistic vision of Lee appearing behind her, arms akimbo, shouting something along the lines of _the Power of Youth would never be foiled by something as petty as a LOCKED DOOR!_

But the Power of Youth did not prevail in this case, and Lee’s voice came instead from inside the cupboard: ‘Tenten? Yes, I’m here! Have you got the key?’

‘Yeah, just…’ She tried a key. No dice. ‘Give me a minute…’

She was on her fifth unsuccessful attempt when she heard a familiar voice:

‘ _Tenten?_ What are you doing? I thought you had a seminar.’

She whirled round; Neji was standing behind her, looking at her quizzically.

_Fuck!_

She decided to ignore the question of what she was doing. ‘No, uh, we finished early today,’ she said, hoping that would be enough to send Neji on his way.

Then, from behind the door: ‘Tenten? Are you alright?’

Neji’s brow furrowed. ‘ _Lee?_ ’

Tenten barely resisted to urge to facepalm.

‘… I just wanted to be alone?’

Neji looked sceptical, but Tenten hoped his characteristic reaction to bizarre situations – that is, he’d decide he’d just rather not know – would kick in and he’d lose interest.

‘Can you three save your heart-to-heart until _after_ you let us out?’ another voice snapped. ‘I’ve got a lecture in two minutes.’

_Fuck._

Neji’s eyebrow twitched aggressively. ‘ _Uchiha?!_ ’

Tenten started trying keys with renewed vigour.

Unfortunately, Shikamaru made an ill-timed appearance. He nodded his greeting to Tenten, then made a beeline for Neji. Before she could intervene, Ino emerged from the crowd and latched onto her arm.

‘Tenten!’ she said. ‘You remember what we were talking about on -’

‘Yep,’ Tenten interjected quickly, shooting a wary glance in Neji’s direction. She wasn’t exactly sure _what_ Ino had said to Neji at the beauty store the previous day, but it had certainly… made an _impression._

‘Well,’ Ino continued. ‘I’ve worked everything out; I’ll text you the details. Just make sure Neji comes to pre’s tomorrow, okay?’ She winked. ‘Auntie Ino will handle the rest.’

_‘Auntie Ino’… Oh Christ, what am I letting Neji in for? Then again, it’s not like we have any better ideas…_ ‘Okay,’ Tenten agreed. ‘But is that at -’

‘No, no, no, don’t worry about it,’ Ino said, holding up a finger. I’ll explain _everything_ –’

She was cut off by a cry of ‘Ino!’ from down the corridor. Chouji was rushing towards them, red-faced, with Kiba and Naruto smirking as they trailed behind him. ‘I just saw Karui!’

Ino was immediately distracted. ‘And did you ask her if she wanted to try out the new Italian place in town, like we practised?’

Chouji paused. ‘Well, no, I…’ Ino’s eyebrows raised threateningly, and he blurted out: ‘She’s just so _beautiful,_ Ino!’

‘He lost it and hid behind a tree,’ Kiba helpfully supplied, strolling up to them.

Naruto snickered. ‘Yeah, and then she saw him anyway and waved.’

Ino crossed her arms, looking more and more unnerving by the minute. ‘And then?’

‘And _then_ he ran away -’

‘CHOUJI!” Ino exploded. ‘ _AGAIN?!_ WE WENT _OVER_ THIS -’

While she ranted, Tenten took the opportunity to slip away and continue trying to open the door. Four minutes, six keys and many more spectators than Tenten would’ve liked later, the lock yielded.

The chatter died down as Lee stumbled out, followed by a glowering Sasuke.

Finally, the mystery woman emerged, and, to Tenten’s surprise, she recognised her. Anko Mitarashi was in the history department, although she had never actually taught Tenten, and so all Tenten knew about her was that she liked to dress like the heroine of a steampunk-themed erotic novel, she specialised in modern Japanese history and she was friends with Kakashi, the latter of which strongly suggested she was _not_ a well-adjusted, healthy person. This was further proven when she surveyed the small crowd gathered around the cupboard, took a long drag of her cigarette and turned with a smirk to Sasuke and Lee.

‘Well boys, that was _fun,_ ’ she said, pinching their cheeks (seemingly immune to Sasuke’s venomous death glare). ‘So next week, same time, same place?’ She winked and strode off, heels clicking and long coat flapping behind her.

Sasuke scoffed, put on his weird front-backpack bag and made as if to walk off, then suddenly stopped dead and paled. Tenten followed his line of sight and saw –

‘Itachi. I thought you were due tomorrow.’

So, _this_ was the famous older Uchiha. Tenten had never really seen him before; he had attended Konoha University before her time, and his social media was _intensely_ private. Her main reference had been Naruto’s drunken description of him as ‘Sasuke, but prettier, with Neji’s hair’, which, she reflected, was actually quite accurate. Not to mention Itachi’s illustrious academic career, which she had heard outshone both his brother’s _and_ Neji’s.

Itachi smiled. ‘Hello, Sasuke. There’s a weather warning for tomorrow, and I’d rather not drive up in heavy rain… But please, don’t feel you have to compromise your usual - _activities_ for my sake. Kisame, let’s leave my brother in peace.’

He left, accompanied by the tall man who had been standing beside him. Sasuke glared after him, before turning away abruptly, pushing past Chouji and Kiba and stalking off.

There was a brief silence.

‘Sasuke!’ Naruto cried, and took off after him.

Neji was quiet for the first few minutes of the walk home, before he asked: ‘Lee, were you actually…?’ He trailed off.

Lee smiled beatifically at him in the way only the blissfully innocent could. ‘Actually what?’

Neji shot a pleading glance at Tenten, but she just smirked at him and gave an exaggerated shrug.

He tried again. ‘In the cupboard, what Anko Mitarashi said…’

Lee frowned.

‘She said you, and her, and – and Uchiha -’ Neji prompted. Still nothing. Tenten was mildly surprised that he was even _bothering_ to follow up. That love potion was _potent…_ Neji’s eyebrow twitched. ‘Were you having - intimate relations with her and Sasuke Uchiha in that cupboard!’ Neji finally got out, through gritted teeth.

Lee gaped at him. ‘No!’ he said, scandalised. ‘Of course not! Gaara is the only one for me. No, I promise you! No! They were both using the cupboard to smoke.’

Neji arched an eyebrow. ‘And what were you doing in there with them?’

Lee paused. The ‘I want to be alone’ plan was clearly not going to fly....

‘I was… also smoking.’

‘ _You?_ ’ Neji asked incredulously. Tenten didn’t blame him for his scepticism; Lee was one of those _fitness is my lifestyle, my body is a temple_ people.

‘Yes,’ Lee said unconvincingly. ‘I have tried to hide it, but alas, I am… highly addicted to nicotine _._ ’

Neji looked as if he now suspected that Lee was addicted to something much worse than cigarettes. ‘Does Gai-sensei know about your – ah – _nicotine_ addiction?’ he asked. ‘Because I don’t think he would approve.’

Lee looked at him imploringly. ‘No, he does not, and please, do not tell him!’ He shot a helpless glance at Tenten; Neji followed his eyeline, confused. _Great,_ Tenten thought glumly, _now Neji probably thinks Lee’s got some kind of dangerous addiction and I’m enabling it._ ‘For I am too ashamed to allow him to discover such an… unyouthful secret. It would break his heart!’

By the time they were home, Tenten noticed that Ino had sent the promised information about tomorrow evening’s pre’s, so she made her excuses and slunk off to her bedroom to read it.

**Ino**

heyyyy 1010

so basically:

when sasuke’s bro went to uni here, he used to live with my cuz and his friends and now he’s back in konoha for a bit

and theyre all celebrating his glorious return by getting absolutely TOASTED (all for itachi’s sake, ofc ;)))

TOMORROW: 10 Daybreak Terrace, 9pm

be there (with ur bois) or i WILL hunt u down

oh and if any of u dare to wear ur HIDEOUS sports clothes…

u will FACE MY WRATH

uwu

ok luv u lots and see u tomorrow xxx

_How informative._

**Tenten**

Noted

Neji had also sent her a message: _Should we be worried about Lee? He was lying earlier about the smoking, you know._

A vague, half-formed plan had come to Tenten, a plan that would not only get Neji to go to Ino’s cousin’s pre’s but convince him that it had been _his_ idea to begin with. Unfortunately, this plan also required making Neji think Tenten was a heartless monster.

_It’s for Neji’s own good,_ she thought, steeling herself to reply.

**Tenten**

Nah lee’s fine dw about it

Neji took a while to respond to that.

**Neji**

Right

Well, I’ll keep a close eye on him regardless and if he behaves oddly again, I’ll have a word with Gai.

**Tenten**

cool beans

Neji knew that something wasn’t right.

So now, Lee had some sort of secret and mysterious addiction that he’d somehow kept hidden the whole time he’d been living with them, and Tenten was indifferent to this? No, Tenten _adored_ Lee; they spent hours together speculating wildly about their various friends and acquaintances (including Neji, they seemed to be under the impression that his uncle was the Japanese equivalent of the godfather) and watching Chinese dramas; every year, she forced Neji to take part in whatever three-person Halloween costume Lee had come up with; and Neji knew that she had a long, threatening, pre-prepared speech to deliver to Gaara if he and Lee ever managed to get their act together and start dating (Neji also had a shovel talk ready, but his was more along the lines of: dress up to the nines, say _if you ever hurt him…_ and end with a long, intimidating stare). In any case, usually she’d be _desperate_ to help Lee if he was struggling with something. Not to mention that Neji had thought Lee would rather dress up like Sasuke _in public_ than sully his body by smoking or taking anything that would ultimately damage his health.

_What are they up to…?_

Neji’s concerns only increased when Lee announced he was going to a party the following evening.

‘Oh?’ Neji asked casually. ‘Whose?’

Lee beamed. ‘I do not know for sure, but Ino invited me!’

‘Sounds fun,’ Neji lied, dismayed _. Ino?!_ She was the _last_ person Neji wanted Lee to be around if he was vulnerable; _I can’t let Lee do this alone,_ he thought grimly, _he might never recover._ ‘Do you want to bring Tenten and me along with you?’

Tenten looked over from where she was cracking eggs into a bowl. ‘Sorry. I’m busy.’

‘With _what,_ exactly?’

‘Work?’

He waited for her to elaborate. She did not.

Neji glared at her. ‘We’re going,’ he said decisively. ‘ _All_ of us.’

And he swept out of the room, oblivious to Lee and Tenten rushing over to each other and high fiving triumphantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took the title of Tenten's psychology reading from a real article by Breanne Fahs, which looks like an interesting read.


	5. a minty-fresh surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final showdown...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took the drinking game they play here from Chapter 14 of FayJay's brilliant fic 'The Student Prince'; if you're a fan of BBC Merlin (or even if you're not), I would strongly recommend checking it out!

_Friday_

9PM sharp, and Tenten, Lee and Neji were on the doorstep of 10 Daybreak Terrace, with nary an Adidas logo in sight.

Neji – looking like he’d rather eat Lee’s cooking, then run a marathon (i.e. _heavily_ disinclined) – knocked on the door.

A few moments later it was flung open, revealing Ino and… _another_ Ino, but with hair a slightly darker shade of blond than the first. Their resemblance to each other was almost as uncanny as Lee and Gai-sensei’s (albeit slightly less so, because presumably this was the cousin Ino had mentioned, and thus the two Inos were _actually_ related to each other).

‘Hm,’ Ino 1 said appraisingly, looking them up and down. ‘Acceptable, I suppose.’

‘Glad you approve!’ Tenten said, hugging her. ‘Lee…’

Lee stood to attention. ‘Oh, yes! Thank you for inviting us, Ino! This is for you!’ He presented her with a bottle of watermelon-flavoured gin they had picked out.

‘Ooh, thank you, Lee, Tenten,’ Ino replied, surveying it. She smiled coyly. ‘ _Neji._ ’

Neji barely supressed a shudder before nodding at her.

‘Now,’ Ino said, snapping back to business and gesturing to Ino 2. ‘I don’t think you’ve met my darling cousin before; this is Deidara. Deidara, this is Tenten, Lee and Neji.’

Deidara grinned round at them. ‘Hey.’ He addressed Neji: ‘You’re a Hyuuga, yeah?’ Neji nodded somewhat suspiciously. ‘Hn, thought so; you’ve got that look. I met your cousin earlier. Come in, yeah.’

‘Wow!’ Tenten said as she stepped inside, marvelling at the impressive display of houseplants in the hallway. She herself had gone on a plant-buying spree after reading Witchery 101’s section on ‘A Witch’s Garden’; not many of them had survived for long. ‘Deidara, are these yours?’

He laughed. ‘No, I’m not interested in plants. They’re Zetsu’s, one of our housemates. Interesting guy, yeah.’

‘What about _your_ plant baby?’ Ino asked as Tenten was hanging up her coat. ‘That mint plant Hinata got you.’

‘The one you all took bets on how long it would take me to kill?’ Tenten replied dryly. ‘Well, I did think I’d fucked it up completely, but lately it’s been doing really well! It’s actually growing _upwards!_ ’

Ino raised her eyebrows. ‘Four months. Huh. Hana’s winning.’

‘ _Who?_ ’

‘Kiba’s sister. She does vet med.’

‘Ino, I don’t even _know_ her! How many people did you get in on this?’

Ino just smiled.

‘Come through to the living room, yeah,’ Deidara said, chuckling. ‘I’ll get you something to drink.’

Ino cut in quickly: ‘Actually, uh, Dei, you’re out of lemonade. Tenten, Lee,’ she said, giving them both Significant Looks, ‘you want to run down to the shops with me to pick up some more?’

Tenten shrugged, trying to look like she didn’t care either way. ‘Sure.’

As usual, Lee didn’t bother with a façade of nonchalance; he nodded enthusiastically and went to put his coat back on but was promptly pulled up short by Neji grabbing the back of his shirt.

‘Come on,’ Neji said lightly, with an ever-so-slightly threatening undercurrent that was only apparent to his housemates, ‘you’re not both going to run off and leave me here, _are you?_ ’

Perhaps the plan to get Neji to want to keep an eye on Lee was working a bit _too_ well.

‘Oh – of course not!’ Lee said. ‘No, Neji, I - I wouldn’t dream of it!’

Neji smiled thinly. ‘ _Good._ ’

Deidara bemusedly directed Neji – hauling Lee behind him - towards a half-open door. Tenten grimaced sympathetically at Lee as he was dragged inside.

‘Classy,’ Tenten remarked wryly five minutes later, casting an eye over the surroundings - bins overflowing with plastic bags, and muddy ground littered with empty bottles and cigarette butts - all illuminated by the flashlight function of Ino’s phone.

Ino ignored the sarcasm. ‘Observe -’ she said dramatically, plunging her hand into her bag, ‘– our secret weapon!’

And with a flourish, she withdrew a small object; when she cast the flashlight over it, Tenten saw it was it was a box of Pocky.

‘Did you get your _lemonade_?’ Neji asked once Tenten had returned to the party, in a manner that suggested ‘lemonade’ was a euphemism for something more along the lines of ‘methamphetamine’.

Tenten pretended not to notice. ‘Yep,’ she said. ‘Oh look, isn’t that Itachi Uchiha over there?’

Neji sipped his drink, his eyes flicking to where she had gestured. ‘So it is,’ he said. ‘Come on, I’ll introduce you.’

Tenten had _wanted_ to take the opportunity to get Neji out of the way so she could explain Ino’s plan to Lee, but Neji was just looking at them expectantly and not moving… ‘I’ll fill you in later,’ she muttered to Lee, before plastering on a smile and following Neji over.

‘Ah, Neji!’ Itachi said when he noticed him approaching, turning away from his intense-looking conversation with his brother. ‘It’s been a while. How are you?’

‘Very well,’ Neji replied. ‘And you? I see you’re doing some lectures next week. I didn’t think you were returning to academia.’

Itachi laughed. ‘Well, I certainly wasn’t _planning_ on it, but Jiraiya made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, so to speak…’

Sasuke was watching their interaction with a confused frown. Tenten wondered if he’d been under the impression that Neji’s relationship with Itachi was just as stupid as Neji’s relationship with _him_ (to which Tenten’s response was _some people are NICE, you dickhead_ ).

Then she heard Neji mention something about ‘housemates’ and zoned back into the conversation, just in time for him to say, ‘Itachi, this is Lee and Tenten.’

Itachi smiled at them in a way that was charming, yes, but also slightly unsettling in that it made Tenten feel like he already knew _exactly_ who they were, along with their favourite colours and National Insurance numbers. ‘A pleasure,’ he said, inclining his head. ‘Lee, I couldn’t help but wonder if you know an old acquaintance of mine, Maito Gai…?’

‘Gai-sensei?’ Lee asked, looking ecstatic to be given an opportunity to talk about his favourite person. ‘Yes, I do! He’s…’

‘Hyuuga,’ Sasuke said, drawing Neji’s (and Tenten’s) attention to him.

There was a brief delay before Neji’s usual response. ‘… Uchiha.’

‘I didn’t know you’d be coming.’

Neji swallowed. ‘… My housemates invited me.’

‘Ah,’ Sasuke said, smirking. ‘Then I guess you were _bound_ to show up.’

Tenten’s jaw dropped. _Could he be referring to -? last Friday?? Neji’s a sub???_ Her gaze darted to poor Neji, who looked like he was about to start choking on his own tongue, and she fought the guilty urge to put her head in her hands and scream. Thus, it was _extremely_ gratifying when Itachi tipped his glass of red wine down Sasuke’s front - as per Ino’s plan - and Sasuke’s smug expression promptly dissolved.

‘What the _fuck!_ ’ he said, staring in horror at the large, deep-purple stain spreading rapidly across his white t-shirt (Tenten heard Kiba shout ‘ _OH SNAP!’_ ).

‘So sorry,’ Itachi said mildly.

‘This was fucking _limited edition_!’

‘I’ll have it dry-cleaned.’

‘Hey, Uchiha!’ Sasuke whipped around furiously to see Deidara waving at him from the sofa. ‘You can borrow one of my tops, yeah. Upstairs, second room on the right, top drawer.’

Sasuke nodded curtly, before turning to Itachi, hissing ‘You _better!_ ’ and stomping out of the room, which was somewhat anticlimactic, considering he had to take his time to manoeuvre his way through the crowded living room, step over Shikamaru _and_ brush past Ino, who had watched the whole exchange from the doorway in satisfaction.

She grinned at Itachi and Deidara and mouthed ‘Step one is complete!’ at Tenten.

‘Where’s Naruto?’ Tenten mouthed back, looking around the room.

Ino smirked. ‘Exactly where he needs to be!’ she said - before immediately tripping over Shikamaru. ‘Idiot!’ she growled, peeling herself off the floor and swiping at him. ‘Why the _fuck_ would you sit there?’

‘Oi, Kisame?’ asked a man with pale, slicked-back hair, who was inexplicably shirtless. ‘Isn’t that how you and your weird fuck of a husband met? You tripped over him and fell into the river or some shit?’

The man sitting next to him - who Tenten remembered had been standing with Itachi the day before - sighed. ‘It is, but he doesn’t actually _remember…_ He insists that our first meeting was when Konan locked us both in that cupboard at Zabuza’s Christmas party.’

‘No need to thank me,’ the striking blue-haired woman standing next to Shirtless Guy said, sipping her drink with a kind of smug elegance that was almost Neji-esque.

Then something clicked in Tenten’s head and she locked eyes with Lee, who looked like he was about to burst with excitement. _Could this be…?!_ She was about to grab him by the shoulders and scream-whisper _LEE_ _WE’VE FOUND YOUR STEPDAD_ when – THUMP!

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ Sasuke was growling, standing up and brushing off his jeans.

Shikamaru – the recipient of the comment, who had not moved from in front of the door – opened his mouth to make some off-hand remark; then he _saw_ Sasuke (or, more accurately, he saw Sasuke’s entire fucking chest) and did a double take. And honestly, Tenten didn’t blame him. If Ino hadn’t already informed her of the… reduced selection of tops that Deidara would leave available in the drawer, she would have assumed that they needed to call an ambulance. Out of the proffered options – a crop top knitted (badly) by Ino, the t-shirt that had been specially designed to embarrass Kisame at his stag party (and was covered in ahegao faces), a funky holographic number and a see-through mesh top – Sasuke had gone for the latter. Tenten glanced at Neji and noted that he was staring intensely at the floor, eyebrow twitching away merrily. _Oh, Ino, you sly fox…_

‘What?’ Sasuke asked defensively, glaring round the room at everyone who happened to be looking at him. ‘It’s not my fault everyone in this house dresses like a stripper.’

‘I usually wear something _under_ it,’ Deidara said pleasantly, ‘but you do you, yeah.’

Sasuke’s eyes narrowed. ‘ _There_ _was nothing to wear under it,_ you fu-’

‘Anyway!’ Ino cut in loudly, as the opening of TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’ sounded (the first song on Ino’s _90’s tunezzz_ playlist). ‘Everyone! Make a circle! Let the drinking games begin!’

The Games Began with Ino commanding everyone to make a circle.

Neji went to sit as far away from Sasuke and his Highly Visible Nipples as physically possible; Lee was about to follow him, but Tenten shook her head, and gestured towards Sasuke.

When Neji saw where his friends were sitting, he was clearly torn between wanting to stay the fuck away from Sasuke and wanting to keep Lee away from unsavoury influences. However, eventually the latter desire won out, and he reluctantly returned to Lee’s side, where he was only separated from Sasuke by Tenten.

‘So,’ Ino said, with a devilish smile, ‘these are the rules. There’ll be a Pocky stick with a mini doughnut threaded onto it. You have to pass it – mouth to mouth – to the person on your right. Person who gets the doughnut wins; if you drop the doughnut, you down your drink, _capisce_?’

And so, the Drinking Games Began. Tenten had to fight the reflexive urge to laugh hysterically every time Neji or Sasuke got close to her face. Hinata decided to sit out after a turn. Deidara had to down a full pint of lager after he accidentally made eye contact with Itachi while passing the Pocky to him, and subsequently lost both the doughnut and his composure. Soon, it became clear that the winner would be either Itachi, Ino (both ruthlessly efficient) or Sai (had no concept of personal space _or_ embarrassment).

As the Pocky stick got shorter and shorter, and closer and closer to Neji, Tenten heard thundering footsteps in the hall.

Quickly, she cleared her throat. ‘I’m just… nipping to the loo,’ she said, clambering up and making her escape as Naruto burst in. 

‘Hinata! You’ve got to try this -’

One moment, Neji was leaning forward gingerly, Pocky stick clamped between his teeth, trying his best to not even _look_ at Sasuke (and Sasuke was doing much the same), the next Naruto was slamming into Sasuke, sending him careening forward… to land on Neji’s mouth.

_Touchdown!_

‘I’m kind of worried about the kiss,’ Tenten had confided in Lee, during one of their scheming sessions. ‘Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re both too repressed to actually touch lips, and they just blow air at each other, like wales. Or if their weird competitive posh boy dynamic comes out, and they try to chew through each other’s faces.’

But apparently that was a non-issue. The fact that both Neji and Sasuke were both trying and failing not to choke on the fateful Pocky stick, the Backstreet Boys crooning TELL ME WHYY ain’t nothing but a mistaaake (very apt) in the background, Neji spilling his drink over Sasuke’s lap… The stars aligned and everything was... weirdly perfect.

Tenten resisted the urge to cheer (although Ino, Naruto, Kiba, Deidara and Hidan did not, and even the usually reserved Itachi and Hinata were looking on delightedly, like proud parents); instead, she flapped her hands excitedly at Lee, and he grinned back at her.

 _We’re finally out of the woods,_ she thought, watching Sasuke and Neji break apart – Sasuke’s eyes burning with fury and the slightly pulsating veins in Neji’s forehead betraying his chagrin through the otherwise stoic demeanour- _and I will never, EVER mess with love magic ever again._

_Saturday_

‘Where are you off to?’ Tenten asked as Neji put on his coat. She was lounging on the sofa with Lee, watching some sort of martial arts film on the TV. ‘Don’t see you wearing the Prada every day.’

Neji considered whether or not to tell them the truth but figured it would come out eventually.

‘I’m going out for a drink with Uchiha.’

Tenten paled. ‘ _What._ ’

‘Neji, is he blackmailing you?’ Lee asked, sounding oddly hopeful at this prospect. ‘Or do you _like_ him or are you -’

Neji was absolutely not going to say he _like-liked_ him, like a twelve-year old. ‘Yes, I _like_ him,’ he said firmly. ‘It’s… a date, I suppose. Just a drink, but…’ He coughed. ‘Yesterday, after we - kissed, we talked a bit and now…’ He trailed off; while he had expected his friends to have _some_ reservations about him suddenly conceiving a passion for someone he had often wished aloud would spontaneously combust, he hadn’t expected them to look at each other with _abject horror._

‘It didn’t work!’ Tenten said tightly, gripping the TV remote so hard her knuckles went white. ‘It didn’t work, and now I’m going to have to invoke the goddess of love somehow, and ask her for -’

‘ _What_ didn’t work?’ Neji asked, arching an eyebrow.

They exchanged glances again.

‘Neji, it was all accidental,’ Lee began.

Tenten stopped him by laying a hand on his shoulder. ‘No, Lee, it’s my fault, I’ll explain. Neji,’ she said, turning to him. ‘You know that book you got me, ‘Witchery 101’?’

He nodded.

‘And you know how it seemed legit?’

‘Well, you could chalk it up to coincidence, but -’

Tenten rolled her eyes at him. ‘Of course _you_ could. _Anyway,_ ’ she continued, giving him a steely look, as if daring him to play the sceptic again, ‘I ordered a love potion from one of the stores they recommended, and it came in a rubbish little plastic bag, and I accidentally broke the bag and -’

‘Let me guess,’ Neji said dryly, ‘I somehow ended up drinking it.’

She looked at him miserably. ‘Neji, I’m so sorry.’

‘Then what happened?’

‘Well, you’re supposed to fall in love with the first person you see, so I – err – tried to prolong the period where you hadn’t seen anyone yet. But then it all went wrong, and Sasuke walked in.’

‘Wait, wait, Tenten,’ Neji said, as a sudden thought occurred to him, something that hadn’t seemed significant before, but now... ‘What did this love potion look like?’

‘Pink, smelt like roses. There was about half a cup of it.’

Neji started to laugh. Lee and Tenten exchanged dismayed glances.

‘He’s lost it,’ Tenten said. ‘Oh Lee, what have I done?!’

‘Tenten!’ he said, smiling widely, ‘I didn’t drink it!’

‘What? B-But the mug was empty!’

Neji cleared his throat. ‘Well, I was _about_ to drink it, but I noticed it smelt quite strong. I just assumed it was perfume or something, and I, ah – I was drunk, remember – I - threw it into your mint plant.’

Tenten stared at him. He could practically see the cogs turning. ‘You -’ Her eyes widened. ‘ _Fuck!_ That’s why it’s been growing so well the past week!’

Lee turned to her, starry-eyed. ‘Oh! Maybe it fell in love with the moon, and it is growing upwards towards her!’

Tenten giggled. ‘Or maybe it fell in love with Neji, and it’s growing towards _him._ ’

Neji gave her A Look. ‘And might you two have anything to do with Konoha University’s recent collective obsession with Sasuke?’

They looked at each other sheepishly.

‘I bribed Naruto and Kiba to mention Sasuke as many times as they could to you,’ Lee admitted. ‘It got a bit out of hand; I think it might have become a competition.’

‘And I had a word with Ino…’

 _Dear God._ Neji wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to know what Tenten had said to provoke that outburst in the beauty store.

‘Tell me all about it when I get back,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to keep Sasuke waiting.’

Tenten rolled her eyes affectionately. ‘Okay, Romeo, get going. God, _so_ many people are going to be _so_ jealous…’

‘Of whom?’

‘Of both of you!’

‘Neji, I congratulate you’ Lee proclaimed, springing up and almost sending his dinner flying (only prevented by Tenten’s quick reflexes). ‘It is a beautiful thing when two warring hearts become one!’

Neji allowed himself a soft smile. ‘Yes,' he said, 'I suppose it is.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's a wrap! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and thank you to everyone who read and commented, I appreciate it so much.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr @givemeteamgaiorgivemedeath, if you have any fic prompts or just want to chat.
> 
> I'm probably going to try to write some stuff for NejiTen month in August, so if you think you would enjoy that, please check it out!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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